Friday, November 23, 2012

The Breaker of Toilets

Bow deeply before me,
The Breaker of Toilets!
I'll come to your house
And your toilet, I'll soil it

Like a king on the throne
But more fierce and adepter,
My crown made of Charmin
The plunger, my sceptre

My tyranny runs from
My ass without question
Fueled by my rage
And severe indigestion

Your toilet will weep
And the porcelain shatter
As into the bowl
Toxic sludge goes a-splatter

It's pure devastation
No courtesy flush
Your can is left brimming
With hot steamy mush

And when it's all over
I'l use the whole roll
To wipe up my ass
Then clog up your bowl

I'll wash off my hands
And I'll leave all in grins
As the shit-water level
Comes up to your shins

My wrath has no motive,
No way to uncoil it:
And so you should fear me,
The Breaker of Toilets

Friday, November 16, 2012

An Autumn Poem

There once was an old country bumpkin
Who ate only seeds of a pumpkin
And at the day's end
For his wife he would send
Who would give him his post-dinner blumpkin

Friday, November 9, 2012

Four Poems about Hurricane Sandy

Here's a word of advice from the master:
When facing a natural disaster
Whether sleet, snow, or rain,
Or a freak hurricane,
The one thing to do is get plastered

While at home during hurricane Sandy
All my meals were just so fine and dandy
Though my fridge had no power,
Many sweets I'd devour
And I ate all the Halloween candy...

This week, I've been oh so forlorn
For a tragic event, I do mourn
Since we lost all our power,
I jack in the shower
Because there's no internet porn

in the winter months
the toilet seat seems so cold
against my bare butt