Friday, November 23, 2012

The Breaker of Toilets

Bow deeply before me,
The Breaker of Toilets!
I'll come to your house
And your toilet, I'll soil it

Like a king on the throne
But more fierce and adepter,
My crown made of Charmin
The plunger, my sceptre

My tyranny runs from
My ass without question
Fueled by my rage
And severe indigestion

Your toilet will weep
And the porcelain shatter
As into the bowl
Toxic sludge goes a-splatter

It's pure devastation
No courtesy flush
Your can is left brimming
With hot steamy mush

And when it's all over
I'l use the whole roll
To wipe up my ass
Then clog up your bowl

I'll wash off my hands
And I'll leave all in grins
As the shit-water level
Comes up to your shins

My wrath has no motive,
No way to uncoil it:
And so you should fear me,
The Breaker of Toilets



Friday, November 16, 2012

An Autumn Poem

There once was an old country bumpkin
Who ate only seeds of a pumpkin
And at the day's end
For his wife he would send
Who would give him his post-dinner blumpkin


Friday, November 9, 2012

Four Poems about Hurricane Sandy

1
Here's a word of advice from the master:
When facing a natural disaster
Whether sleet, snow, or rain,
Or a freak hurricane,
The one thing to do is get plastered



2
While at home during hurricane Sandy
All my meals were just so fine and dandy
Though my fridge had no power,
Many sweets I'd devour
And I ate all the Halloween candy...



3
This week, I've been oh so forlorn
For a tragic event, I do mourn
Since we lost all our power,
I jack in the shower
Because there's no internet porn



4
in the winter months
the toilet seat seems so cold
against my bare butt



Monday, October 29, 2012

For My Dog

I've heard them say a dog is man's best friend
And so, with time, I've found this to be true
It's sad, though, how their lives are quick to end;
They leave you without time to say "adieu"

A dog will spend its short and happy life
Attached to you and always by your side
A manic ball who's void of any strife
To be with you's their greatest source of pride

And though they'll make a mess from time to time
And test you at your every move and turn,
To have a dog is really so sublime
Their lives are gifts, I've come about to learn

And so to all our memories I'll clutch;
I miss my doggie very very much


In Memory of Simi
???? - October 13, 2012

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Sonnet for a Bunch of Cocksuckers

My friends, they are, I'm quite afraid to say
A crude and vile deviant band of fools,
And if they have the chance a given day
They'll make a quip about their morning stools

But yet their dark perversion does not cease
At simply making poop-related jokes;
Their rich imaginations can release
A strange erotic scene de Sade evokes

Yet even in my state of pure disgust
I take a pause so that I can reflect
For even though they speak of shit and lust
Their company I never can reject

I too, am quite depraved, and that's the crux
And thus, all of my friends are filthy fucks


Monday, October 8, 2012

Microwavable Scottish Meat Pies

My friend ate some questionable grub
Then went out and hit up the club
The meat, though, was spoiled
His stomach, it boiled;
He's now puking into a tub


Tuesday, October 2, 2012

On the Recitation of Greek Tragedy

There once was a man from Duluth
Whose habits were rather uncouth
He'd whip out his testes
Recite from Orestes
And sip on a glass of vermouth


Thursday, September 27, 2012

The Ballad of the Bumbling Brit

There once was a bumbling Brit
Who struggled to find his wife's clit
He'd awkwardly squeeze her
But ne'er did he please her
And settled for fondling her tit


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Wings

"Some wings", I did think, "would be nice"
I requested the extra-hot spice
Now all I can say's
Thank God for bidets
'Cause that spicy food always burns twice


Friday, August 31, 2012

The Penal System

So this fucker from some far off nation,
 He was jailed for his crude masturbation
And his crust-covered sock
Was a hit in the "block"
'Til his sentence was in: full castration


Monday, August 20, 2012

There's Far Too Much Anal Porn on the Internet These Days

While settling in for a sesh
I surf 'round for sins of the flesh
And the porn, it is fine
While contained to vagine
But with anal, I must hit refresh


Sunday, August 12, 2012

The Meadowlands Paradox

From Secaucus by train to Penn Station
I did suffer severe flatulation
But it's so hard to tell
If my farts are the smell
Or the Meadowland's rank vegetation


Thursday, June 28, 2012

The Bidet

Here's a toast to the noble bidet;
For it washes my swamp-ass away
And those dingily-berries
My ass sometimes carries
Are cleaned by a fountain-like spray


Friday, June 15, 2012

The Fountains of Addis Ababa

The cuisine that is from Ethiopia
Is a flavor-infused cornucopia
But the bread, stews, and "wats"
Tie my stomach in knots
And I'm sent to a shitting dystopia



Tuesday, June 5, 2012

"Can I Smell Yo' Dick?"

There's a song called "Can I Smell Yo Dick?"
Why's a girl want to olfact his stick?
When some shit's goin down,
And he's fuckin round town,
A quick dick sniff will sure do the trick



Saturday, May 19, 2012

Clare

There once was a lassie named Clare
Whose humor would foul up the air
For to Clare, it was art
To speak highly of farts
And all spewings from one's derrière


Wednesday, May 9, 2012

The Good Bed Sheets

I've one friend who's kind of a douche
He'll pick up a girl with a swoosh
But don't let them go back
To the place where you shack
'Cuz on your good bed sheets he'll sploosh


Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Bacchanale

I only can dance when I'm drunk
The liquor, it moves me to funk
Th' more shit-faced I am,
Th' more freely I jam,
And shake my big hairy "b'dunk"


Sunday, April 15, 2012

Dog Poop

My dog was releasing a turd
While squatting, she looked quite absurd
For something she ate
Made her bowels constipate,
But her pooping would not be deterred


Thursday, April 5, 2012

Bacon

There are few things much better than bacon
With its taste, I'm so thoroughly taken
That I'll go rub one out
While I'm thinking about
Takin' bacon to bed for love-makin'


Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Postal Troubles

Back at home I have a friend
Whose smartness starts to fail
Whenever he's compelled to send
Some shit out through the mail

He's overall a functional
And sentient kind of guy
But somehow when the post's involved
His neurons go awry

You'd think it's pretty easy,
Sending letters through the mail
But for my friend, it's clearly not;
I'll share with you this tale:


I see my friend for New Year's,
We were at his winter home
And suddenly, I felt the urge
To write a little poem

I grabbed my little notebook
And I hunted for my pen -
But nowhere could I find it,
It was lost inside his den

I asked him for a spare one,
Which he launched across the room
I caught it and began to write,
But soon I start to fume

The pen that he had tossed me
Was a broken piece of shit -
It wouldn't write for anything;
I promptly threw a fit

He tossed me yet another pen,
This time, a pen that worked
Which saved him from my screaming,
I was 'bout to go berserk

So finally, I settle down
And write my shitty prose
And finish up the weekend
Chilling with my dearest bros

While packing up my shit for home
I'm searching still in vain,
I found the cap of my poor pen,
'Twas all that had remained

My friend said if he found it,
He would send it out to me
But little did I know just what
A headache that would be

So several long weeks later
I was walking through the door
And spied a tattered letter
That had fallen on the floor



It was sent by a "Ball Ickens"
But I knew who was to blame -
My friend's and Mr. Ickens's
Addresses were the same

And on the worn-out envelope,
A mailee's IOU -
A dollar twenty-seven
Was the postage that was due

The reason for this fee
Was that the letter held within
A lovely little poem
And my motherfucking pen.

You see, my friend, the way
The System figures out a rate
Is by the letter's shape and size
And also by its weight

Another thing that you should know:
Machines sort all the mail
So when you send some bulky shit,
The sorters, they might fail

So add another couple cents!
It's nothing too obscene;
For letters that you send
That can't be processed by machine.

Anyway, your poem there
Suggested there was more -
This letter was the second part
Of what you sent before...

But I had not received
A letter prior to this one;
It seemed the U.S. Post had gone
And ruined all your fun

You had a good idea
For a prank that turned to crap,
To send me first the shitty pen
Without the fucking cap.

And then to send my real pen
With the sheath of shit pen's top
But packed and send improperly,
Your prank became a flop

So now, let's move ahead in time
A couple weeks had passed,
And there I find a letter,
The first one had come at last!



Because you went and sent it
With the pen tip all exposed,
It poked out through the envelope
Releasing that enclosed

And due to this debacle,
Your first letter was delayed -
And in an larger envelope,
Your letter came, prepaid

It got all fuckin' torn to shreds,
En route from you to me
How Goddamn fucking hard
Could sending letters really be?

You've gone and done it once again,
You leave me here astounded
How is it such a simple task
Has left you so confounded?

The U.S. Postal Service
Has a site you can consult
If you want to send a letter
And have positive results

For now, my friend, I'll leave with you
This simple parting word:
The next time that you use the mail,
Don't do it like a turd.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Variations on a Theme

Two poems on the same theme - you decide which one is "better":

1.
They call me the "Vishnu of Dicks"
'Stead of one dick, I got thirty-six
With my three dozen cocks,
Women come 'round in flocks,
'Cuz I satisfy all of their kicks


2.
It's foretold that the "Vishnu of Dicks"
Will have pants that will seem to play tricks
But you'll soon grow aware
That you can't break the stare
That his thirty-six dicks will transfix



Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Untitled

I have super ejaculate power
I can come for a whole fuckin' hour
When my dick starts to throb,
From the tip of my knob
Sprays a hot, sticky, gooey, white shower


Tuesday, February 28, 2012

On Docking

How long do men usually dock?
Is it standard to set up a clock?
Can they watch some TV
Or go brew up some tea
While the skins of their cocks interlock?



Monday, February 20, 2012

The Way of the Samurai


What has wind-power like a typhoon,
And a sound like a stuffy bassoon?
It's a samurai fart!
Here, depicted in art,
Joyous garlands of farts are festooned


Monday, February 13, 2012

The Dangers of Polygyny

When going 'round casting your pole
Into more than just one fishing hole
You're bound to make waves
Chasing that which you crave
And it takes an emotional toll


Saturday, February 4, 2012

Don't Pee on the Fucking Toilet Seat

Why is it that people piss
Upon the toilet seat?
Is aiming at the bowl itself
A Herculean feat?

Or why not lift the seat up?
That's the reason for the hinge - 
But no, I have to mop up pee,
A task that makes me cringe

I hate it when those golden drops
Pollute the place I sit
It makes me feel disgusting
When I go to take a shit

If you don't have the courtesy
To keep the toilet clean,
I'll hunt you down and find you,
And I'll sever off your peen


Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Hash Den

Any time of any day
It smells like weed in my hallway

My downstairs neighbors smoke a lot - 
Not tobacco, only pot

Their living quarters are a sauna
Filled with acrid marijuana

And when I see them pass me by,
Their sideways glance suggests they're high

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Urinal Cakes

In order to cover the smell
Of a urine-soaked bathroom-y hell,
Just throw in a cake,
Then the seal you can break,
With these cakes, your piss-lake will smell swell!


Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The Merits of Owning a Turquoise Accordion

When I was but just a young lad
A turquoise blue squeeze-box I had
In school I was mocked
But the jocks now'd be shocked - 
'Cuz that thing scores me pussy like mad


Sunday, January 15, 2012

Grapefruit Juice is Fucking Disgusting

Why the fuck does grapefruit juice
Taste so obscenely sour?
It makes my teeth feel gritty
And the taste lasts for an hour

I can't believe that people
Really like that nasty stuff
Even looking at a glass,
For me, is quite enough

I don't think that I'll ever like
The taste of grapefruit juice
If people try to give me some,
Then vomit I'll induce

And those of you that say
That my opinion's way off course,
Then both you and your grapefruit juice
Can go and fuck a horse.


Saturday, January 7, 2012

A Series of Scatological Limericks on the Subject of the Dangers of Eating Indian Food Before Getting on an Airplane

1.
I hankered and hungered for food
Some nosh that would go with my mood
So Indian curry
I ate in a hurry
While airborne the next day, I pooed



2.
I tell you, it's always a pain
To eat curry and go on a plane
'Cuz my farts start to stink
In my seat I do sink
My cover-ups all are in vain



3.
My bowels are having a fit
As here on the plane I do sit
The bathroom is taken
And here I am, shakin'
'Cuz all that I want is to shit



4.
The restrooms on planes are so small
My shoulders are hittin' the wall
And the smell from my ass
From the gas that I pass
Is so noxious I can't breathe at all



5.
It's milk products I can't digest
I really should give them a rest
When my ass starts to bubble
You know you're in trouble
Your nostrils, my farts will molest