Thursday, August 22, 2013

The Devoted Shepherd

A shepherd did notice his goat
Looking ill, for 'twas suff'ring from bloat
To unclog the goat's bowel
He inserted his dowel
And the bloated goat shat forth a moat


Monday, May 20, 2013

San Francisco

New Yorkers are overly zealous
"Our city's the best!" they will tell us
But my trip to the Bay
Makes me sure when I say
That New Yorkers are really just jealous


Monday, January 28, 2013

Rusty Stream of Red

At times, you must be careful how you tread
The lunar cycle reaches now its peak
As slowly flows that rusty stream of red

Be brave, for many men, in fear, have fled
Their stomachs and their wits had proven weak
At times, you must be careful how you tread

Let not your marrow quiver filled with dread
Your future does not have to be so bleak
As slowly flows that rusty stream of red

But know that if your hang-ups you can shed
You still can have that soft embrace you seek
At times, you must be careful how you tread

You say you'd rather have a week of head
But really, it's not bad, go take a peek
As slowly flows that rusty stream of red

And so, I say, go boldly into bed
And prove your worth as man and as a freak
At times, you must be careful how you tread
As slowly flows that rusty stream of red


Sunday, January 20, 2013

Four Limericks about Franz Liszt

For piano, Liszt knew how to write
His music is just a delight
To play it's a rush
For the sounds are so lush
And the crowd, it is sure to excite


For those of you hatin' on Liszt,
You've done got me real fuckin' pissed
If you say it's all schlock
You can go suck my cock:
Your opinion is promptly dismissed


So, Liszt was a pimp in his day
And a beast at the piano, they say
In a post-concert flurry
The women, they'd hurry
With his "finger" they'd all want to play


After concerts were given by Liszt,
All the ladies, en masse, would insist
That he strip them down nude
And perform something lewd
So each fräulein, in bliss, Liszt would fist


Monday, January 7, 2013

The 911 Hot Wing Challenge

Last night was filled with great regret
A drunken night in Morristown
I made mistakes I won't forget

A plate of wings that made me sweat
Their color was a reddish-brown
Last night was filled with great regret

Their burn was like a coal briquette
As four of them I forced on down
I made mistakes I won't forget

And from that pain, more pain begets
While drinking bleu cheese with a frown
Last night was filled with great regret

And all the pain I can't offset
In five martinis does it drown
I made mistakes I won't forget

This morning, now, I pay my debt
With fiery shits and pounding crown
Last night was filled with great regret
I made mistakes I won't forget


Friday, November 23, 2012

The Breaker of Toilets

Bow deeply before me,
The Breaker of Toilets!
I'll come to your house
And your toilet, I'll soil it

Like a king on the throne
But more fierce and adepter,
My crown made of Charmin
The plunger, my sceptre

My tyranny runs from
My ass without question
Fueled by my rage
And severe indigestion

Your toilet will weep
And the porcelain shatter
As into the bowl
Toxic sludge goes a-splatter

It's pure devastation
No courtesy flush
Your can is left brimming
With hot steamy mush

And when it's all over
I'l use the whole roll
To wipe up my ass
Then clog up your bowl

I'll wash off my hands
And I'll leave all in grins
As the shit-water level
Comes up to your shins

My wrath has no motive,
No way to uncoil it:
And so you should fear me,
The Breaker of Toilets



Friday, November 16, 2012

An Autumn Poem

There once was an old country bumpkin
Who ate only seeds of a pumpkin
And at the day's end
For his wife he would send
Who would give him his post-dinner blumpkin